When Will I Learn to Trust that my Husband Means What He Says?
I admittedly have a problem with perfection. I have spent my adult life trying to attain and keep standards that are physically impossible. Although I'd like to think that I'm getting better, these past few weeks have laid open another area of sin in my life. My obsession with perfection.
For me, this obsession with perfection centers around my desire to be the best wife and mom that I can be. Although these are noble goals, they often take my focus off the Lord and put it on earthly things. My biggest desire in marrying B was to become his help-meet in every sense of the word. I wanted to completely take over his stress and problems and frustrations, and leave him surrounded in calm and peace. I feel accomplished when I am able to get home from work, get the kids off the bus, get homework done, and dinner on the table before B comes home from work. I guess it's how I gauge myself on if I'm being a good wife or not. B has told me several times that things don't need to be perfect, and that I need to give myself some rest, but I secretly believe he is disappointed if the house is untidy in any way, if all the laundry isn't done, or if I haven't made a homemade dinner.
Well for the past two weeks, I have had a migraine headache nonstop. I have been bedridden, to the Dr. and the hospital, all with very little relief. I have been unable to keep up with the kids or the housework - it has all fallen on B, and he has done an amazing job. One night he was apologizing for not getting something done, and I told him, "I really don't care at all. You're doing the best you can. You're doing a great job." And I meant it. It occurred to me then that he probably feels the same way when he's telling me that I'm doing a great job. I have just chosen to not believe him.
The Bible says in Deuteronomy 5:32 "You shall be careful therefore to do as the LORD your God has commanded you. You shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left." (ESV).
The Lord (nor my husband) seeks perfection from me. All I am asked to do is follow what I know the Lord has commanded me to do. While that certainly includes being a focused and committed wife and mother, it does not mean that my toilets have to always be clean and that the kids can't ever have their toys on the floor. More than that, I need to believe what my husband says, and trust that he is on my side working with me, and not let my own insecurities shake my faith in his word.